OMG. I cannot believe I have allowed this to happen. Okay, there were some extenuating circumstances... but there are NO NO NO excuses. The circumstances: started bc pills- for a few weeks I was very tired, dizzy, nauseated; working too much (remedied by quitting superfluous 2nd job); in effect moved in with bf (remedied by him breaking up with me :( ).
In 2 months I gained 14 pounds (well, really I think I gained more than that, but at the time I reclaimed my sanity, I was 14lbs over the day I had lost it).
But now for The Good:
In the past two weeks since the shocking breakup:
I have lost 10 of the 14 pounds, I wake up without aches, pains, headache, I have energy throughout the day without coffee, My clothes are looser...
What I have changed: Bed at 10:30-11, up at 6:30/7 for a 30-min walk in the woods, taking my supplements (nothing weird- vit c, fish oil, etc), 60 minutes/day cardio at the gym every day, 20 mins strength training every other day, staying between 1000-1200 calories, tracking what I eat.
So... the relationship saga :( Everything was going great. He was getting a little too serious a little too fast for me, but I got swept away and was having so much fun. Everything seemed fine. I came home one evening and he sat me down and said he wanted to go back to being friends. What?!? Wait, WHAT?!? 12 hours before you were telling me you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me... and now What?!? Not, I think we're moving too fast, let's slow down, nothing. It will be the same he said, just without the sex. Really? No, it will not. It changes a lot of other things. The abruptness of it hurt. The sudden loss of so many things I was enjoying.
But we ARE trying to continue to be friends. We were best friends. I still want that. But how to find the balance. How to make sense of it. Still figuring that out. Day by day.
And I cannot help but wonder if it is because of my weight. I knew before we got together that he prefered thin women. I was heavier than the women he is attracted to and I gained weight after we got together... I think he thought we are so great together that he could overlook it, that it would be okay... I think he tried and wanted it to work. But I can't help hating him a little. Not because it didn't work, but because he built up this fantasy future to me and then took it away. Not just a few careless impulsive comments, but multitudes of comments backed up by actions.
BUT I will not let this destroy me... I will move forward, focus on my own goals. I believe one thing I have been doing wrong- not just with him, but in some other relationships over the past year, is working on other people's goals/tasks in order to distract myself from my own. Some people procrastinate by watching tv or turning to drugs... I help people. That way I can feel productive and altruistic. Time to be a little selfish and self-centered.
And idiot that I am, I signed back in to the online dating site right away. Have had a couple dates and am corresponding with a few guys. That was a huge mistake. I wanted a distraction. I wanted to find the stuff I lost. I am not ready to date. I need to focus on me.
Oh, and Ben, I ate your pie. Good bye.
