Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Alright- I did great- 4 weeks in a row with not one day off-plan- then came Philly. Well, I am back and ready to roll. I can easily do 4 weeks with no cheating again. And today is the day I am starting.

Pain...

I have been struggling through some foot pain. It is bad enough that I have been taking pain killers which isn't like me. The machines at the gym don't seem to aggravate it as much, but I haven't been able to get there, so I am walking through it. I keep telling myself that a good part of the problem is likely my weight, and it will feel better once I drop some.

Exericse:
Walk 30 minutes
Food:
3/4 c banana nut cheerios (dry, snackig throughout day)
yogurt
coffee, no cocoa
two eggs
one slice dry wheat toast
grapes
snack pack popcorn
hot tea
planned dinner: leftovers- either pasta and meatballs or chicken, veggies, & brown rice; grapes for dessert.

PLUS, my pants were tight this am. Uncomfortably tight. So I am just grumpy and uncomfortable in a lot of ways today.

Scott will be away this evening, so I'll have some time to decompress and clean-up. I am feeling very burned out lately with craziness at work, craziness at home (dad had surgery), settling in from the move. I need some time off, but I can't take it right now. Hoping for next month- a week before the NYC trip.

There is no problem to which excessive food is the answer...

The answer to many problems, however, is healthy food in moderation and ample exercise.

I need to start updating daily- what I have done right & wrong & why; why I am doing what I am doing; what I can do better.

I want to be healthy. And I want to enjoy shopping for a wedding dress once the time for that comes. That is my big goal. But it is pretty vague.

Mini goals: stay on track EVERY DAY from here until NYC trip- 37 days. How many pounds will this result in? IDK. IDC. I am working on changing my habits, which will result in the logical response of changing my body. But I don't want to obsess over the markers. And besides, I realize that a resonable goal would be 10 lbs. Which to me seems useless. The same 10 I have lost and gained a million times. I don't want THAT to be a goal.

Goal 2: on track EVERY DAY until Seattle trip- 20 weeks. 40 lbs lost would be nice... but that's not where my eyes have to be.

Today I went for a walk at lunch and I am on track with my eating. I will do another walk later to equal 60 minutes.

What could I have done better? One hot cocoa instead of two- but I didn't go to the store for junk food or out to lunch, like I was tempted to

I am where I am because of my own actions. This is something I have done to myself. Not something that has been done to me. I feel like a victim, but I am not!

I got a new pair of shoes and I am hoping they will help with my foot pain. I also caved and bought a few pairs of pants that fit, even though I wanted to wait until I lose weight...

No excuses.

Exercise:
Walk: 60 minutes
Food:
hot cocoa (mixed with my coffee) x 2
sunbutter & jelly on whole grain
snack bag popcorn
planned dinner: chicken breast, brown rice, veggies; dessert: grapes

OMG WHAT DID I JUST DO???

So I was all set to ignore the cakes... but then I decided WTH, eat half my lunch and a slice of cake. The twinkie guy did it. So I went into the work kitchen and cut a HUGE slice of cake and went to my office and sat down and took the first big bite and thought WTF am I doing?!?

So I ate a few bites and threw about 2/3 of what I served myself away. I enjoyed it- I don't feel guilty, but I am surprised at how I almost jumped. I would not have enjoyed eating the whole slice more than I enjoyed the few bites.

It wasn't even that good, to be honest. I would have enjoyed a bowl of my own home made chocolate pudding more. Oh well, back to life.

I'll have a nice dinner and some fruit this evening and all is well with the world.

Aaaack!

The cakes are still there! Can I make it through the day without one? Can I work a slice into my calorie count (ie eat a slice of cake instead of lunch)? SHOULD I?

No. Of course I shouldn't. Therefore I won't. Why shouldn't I? Because that slice of cake isn't even THAT good. I mean it is good, don't get me wrong, but very sweet and... hey! They sell the cutest little two-bite versions of all their cakes at the bakery. Why don't I have a bite of cake?? The first bite is the bite that is good. The first bite is the one that makes you melt. There is no rule that you must take a whole SLICE.

So I will see how I feel later. If I really want some, I will have a bite.

BUT do you know what I REALLY want? I want to be able to climb the climbing wall at the science center. My bf lovingly pointed out that, despite my superior arm strength, I am just too bottom heavy, which throws off my center of gravity-- That it shouldn't bother me- no one can be good at everything. GRRRRRR.

Chocolate cake vs climbing wall. Which would bring me more pleasure?

Non-gym day. It's saturday, I am at the office. Blah. I'll take a break during my day for a walk.

Dinner tonight:

Grilled Cheese, soup, salad

Exercise:

30 minutes walking

caught between a torte and a layer cake

Made it through the day... even with my two favorite cakes from Prantl's- chocolate sour cream and burnt almond torte in the work fridge. I texted Scott and his response : Have a slice- you deserve it. Grrrrr. At least I know he loves me as I am! Honestly I wasn't really tempted, though.

I DID give in an bought a mocha on the way to a work meeting I knew would be painful... But I got a small with skim, so not too crazy. Plus the meeting was in another building, so I also had a half hour walk... keeping me well within my calorie limits.

I'm tired right now- but had a trying day, so it's not a surprise.

Going strong...

Day 2 of vegetarianesque eating... bf gave in last night, and I don't think it's a big deal. The only difference between our meals is that he had meatballs and I had black beans. It was all his idea to start with, though, lol! But I feel good.

Yesterday was holiday party day at work. I had the delicous veggie lasagna and chocolate cake--but stayed in my calorie budget for the day. Bf & I went to gym last night and I went again this morning. I workout twice as much as he does, and probably eat less than he does... and you can really see a change in him already after one week at the gym :( I mean I am happy for HIM, but it's just not fair! My jeans are still tight grrrr

Our morning routine may be changing and I am a bit worried about how it might affect my workout, but it should be okay, since my new plan is NOT routine dependent. I think that has been one of my downfalls in the past. I need something flexible enough that changes will not ruin it.

Reading the successes of others has been helping a lot. Seeing that people do different things to reach the same goal I have- various amounts and types of exercise, various ways of eating- as long as you are burning more than you consume, you are going to lose; and as long as you are consistent, you are going to reach your goal.

For instance ... Do I approve of such a plan?? Eating twinkies 3x/day? No. Do I really think it will make him healthier than if he were eating whole foods? Not a chance- BUT he lost weight. Now, weight is only ONE marker of health- but it just proves my theory that a calorie deficit is the bottom line for weight loss. Is health about more than weight loss? Absolutely. Is my goal to eat mostly whole foods? Yes.

Exercise:
7:00 am 20 mins Cross Trainer

Dinner tonight:
Grilled Polenta & Tuscan veggies with tomato sauce

I'm back, We're back, no holding back, no turning back

Alright. I am back. No more false starts. No more excuses.

Ah- the changes since last post... Apparently all he wanted was a break. Woops. I took "break up" differently than he... dated again, tried to move on. Two months of pain for us both and we realized we love each other and want to be together forever. We are back together and bought a house. So I guess it doesn't get much more serious... but we're ready for it now. And whatever may have been missing is certainly not now. No holding back.

So... I have him coming along to the gym and I have my routine locked in place, but more importantly I have made a committment that transcends routine. I have to stick to what works (burn more than you consume SO SIMPLE!!) regardless of what is going on in my life. EVERY day.

Having his company at the gym was fun for me- In almost all areas I out work him. Having him there sparks a competitive streak in me that makes me move faster, longer, and smile while I do it. It is also fun and I end up doing a different variety of things than when alone. But I am not going to count on these workouts as the focus of my goals- these are like icing and just for fun. But I cannot get dependent on them because if he misses, I need to stay focused.

I have goals- and we have goals- that require a level of fitness I haven't quite reached. But I am determined.

We are doing a week of vegetarian eating. I think it will be fun. For today I made some home made hummus which we both loved. I want to be careful to not replace the meat with other high calorie foods like carbs and dairy. So easy to just pile on the cheese! I want to learn to make new things- like tofu and falafel.

The weather has gotten blustery and I just want to hibernate. I am trying to turn my attitude around and anticipate trying new things like cross country skiing...

The Good, The bad, and the ugly...

OMG. I cannot believe I have allowed this to happen. Okay, there were some extenuating circumstances... but there are NO NO NO excuses. The circumstances: started bc pills- for a few weeks I was very tired, dizzy, nauseated; working too much (remedied by quitting superfluous 2nd job); in effect moved in with bf (remedied by him breaking up with me :( ).

In 2 months I gained 14 pounds (well, really I think I gained more than that, but at the time I reclaimed my sanity, I was 14lbs over the day I had lost it).

But now for The Good:

In the past two weeks since the shocking breakup:

I have lost 10 of the 14 pounds, I wake up without aches, pains, headache, I have energy throughout the day without coffee, My clothes are looser...

What I have changed: Bed at 10:30-11, up at 6:30/7 for a 30-min walk in the woods, taking my supplements (nothing weird- vit c, fish oil, etc), 60 minutes/day cardio at the gym every day, 20 mins strength training every other day, staying between 1000-1200 calories, tracking what I eat.

So... the relationship saga :( Everything was going great. He was getting a little too serious a little too fast for me, but I got swept away and was having so much fun. Everything seemed fine. I came home one evening and he sat me down and said he wanted to go back to being friends. What?!? Wait, WHAT?!? 12 hours before you were telling me you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me... and now What?!? Not, I think we're moving too fast, let's slow down, nothing. It will be the same he said, just without the sex. Really? No, it will not. It changes a lot of other things. The abruptness of it hurt. The sudden loss of so many things I was enjoying.

But we ARE trying to continue to be friends. We were best friends. I still want that. But how to find the balance. How to make sense of it. Still figuring that out. Day by day.

And I cannot help but wonder if it is because of my weight. I knew before we got together that he prefered thin women. I was heavier than the women he is attracted to and I gained weight after we got together... I think he thought we are so great together that he could overlook it, that it would be okay... I think he tried and wanted it to work. But I can't help hating him a little. Not because it didn't work, but because he built up this fantasy future to me and then took it away. Not just a few careless impulsive comments, but multitudes of comments backed up by actions.

BUT I will not let this destroy me... I will move forward, focus on my own goals. I believe one thing I have been doing wrong- not just with him, but in some other relationships over the past year, is working on other people's goals/tasks in order to distract myself from my own. Some people procrastinate by watching tv or turning to drugs... I help people. That way I can feel productive and altruistic. Time to be a little selfish and self-centered.

And idiot that I am, I signed back in to the online dating site right away. Have had a couple dates and am corresponding with a few guys. That was a huge mistake. I wanted a distraction. I wanted to find the stuff I lost. I am not ready to date. I need to focus on me.

Oh, and Ben, I ate your pie. Good bye.