Oh, so tired! Long days. Procrastinating. Why? I feel better once the work is done, but getting it started is torturous.

Two days of work and then we are off... a trip we planned as friends but will take as lovers. So many of the details will be a surprise to you. I like to surprise you... you don't like surprises, you like stability... but I have found a way to work it. I just keep your expectations low, without letting on that a surprise is waiting. A rustic cabin in a crowded campground is what you are imagining. But when we get there, you'll be thrilled to find a jacuzzi and cable and seclusion.

A whole week without distractions, without worries, without obligations. No alarm clock. No facebook. No starbucks. No traffic. No beggars.

Just want to leave. Walk away from it all now. Close my eyes and open them on the road.

Expectations = Disappointment

Got my kiss. Kisses. A whirlwind of them. Almost impossible now to look back and decide when/where/how we went from point A to point B, but here we are and my fears have vanished.

Always more questions. What does he want? How long can this last, really? It can't last forever, right? right? It's not as perfect as it feels, right? It never is. Happily ever after is just a Disney fantasy. Family-friendly porn.

All I know is I WANT it to last. I will do everything I can to keep it this way or better. To keep it safe, fun, easy, stable, yet exciting. Old and familiar, but new. But I am not expecting anything. I am not promising anything. I insist that we remain independent. If it lasts I want it to last because we are still enjoying each other, not because we need each other. Not Because we have to. Not Because it isn't worth the hassle to leave. But because we are better together.

Not tracking. Not exercising much. Or as much. Not gaining, though, so not panicking.

Such a week ahead. Hard work to be followed by a big reward.

Living in the Land of Virtual Reality ~ Rusted Root

Found an awesome site for analyzing recipes- Calorie Count. It's got a bunch of other tools, as well, but I didn't sign up, just used the analyzer. This is by far the easiest one to use I have ever tried. And for me, with the way I modify recipes, it is an invaluable tool.

Took a week, but back on track. Trying not to be too critical of myself. Why did it happen? How did it happen? I don't know. But I couldn't stop eating. Or, no, of course I COULD have, but I just didn't care for some reason. I truly don't get it- eating doesn't bring any great pleasure to me, being careful with my eating doesn't cause me distress.

Well... Ben, I know where you are today. I was going to be there, too. I don't know what I would have done. A note on your car, a silent walk past you, maybe just hang out on a blanket and read a book near your tent, maybe hide on the trails and watch you from behind a tree...? If you saw me, how would you react? Ignore me? Ask me to leave? Sweep me into your arms?

I left chalk messages on the pavement. I. Will. NEVER. Let. You. Fall. One word at a time along the trail. Words. Images. An angel with a face more forlorn than I intended. Did the rain wash them away? Will you know they were meant for you? Will you know it was me?

I was going to be there. Had every intention. But Scott called and my reality with him is ever so much better than our fantasy life ever was. I didn't even deliberate. Maybe I was even grateful for an excuse to change my plans.

An imperfect reality trumps a virtual perfection.

I think I earned my salt today.

Blahfulness

I feel blah....

Headache, body aches, tired. When I sit still, I feel like I am sinking into the floor--not a heaviness, but almost a dizzy/floaty feeling? Have also been getting some tinnitus or something past few days. Yesterday I was so sleepy all day. After visiting with my son, I fell asleep at 4:30 and didn't wake until 6:30. Have been staying up too late and having trouble sleeping, could it be that simple? Mild sore throat, though, too, so maybe picked up one of the colds I have been exposed to.

Brings a dilema- do I push myself or allow myself a break. Am I being lazy and in need of coercion; or sick/rundown and in need of recovery? I think I'll push forward, but keep it light. Consistency, after all, is the key. If I can put in my hours, even if not at my optimum level, then when I have my strength, power, focus regained, I can easily pick up the pace... if I stop completely it can be hard or impossible to get back into the groove.

Chose today- rainy and dreary- as the day to start taking the bus to work. I can ride free, but it's $10/day if I drive and park. The parking far away was not working (more in tickets than if had I paid for parking, thanks to obscure parking regs :- ). So, I am looking at it as paying myself $10/day to ride the bus.

Took the last three days "off" from my health routines. Why?!? I don't know. I just couldn't stop eating and feel like a sloth. I did make SOME good choices in that time, just not good enough. And it doesn't leave me more satisfied, more energized, happier in any sense. Avoiding the scale for a few days so I don't get discouraged. I do feel under the weather, but also noticed I had these same feelings- but nowhere close to this degree, last month, so it could be cyclical.

Mother's day was nice this year. Last year it was painful-- The day my son had chosen to cut off communication- a move that lasted 6 months and almost killed me. But both of my children are in flux and it worries me. Though I hear him saying things now- things that I know he learned from me, and I am happy that I had some positive influence-- but OMG the mistakes I regret. I can't take them back.

Free lunch today at work if I walk to main campus... have food here, but also considering the cafe next door. Craving eggs. But whatever I choose, I will stay in my limit. I can eat anything I want and stay within my limits and see success if I am mindful.

Avoiding a number of unpleasant work/school related tasks. Sigh. Procrastination does not make them easier.

Want to close my door and close my eyes.

Only thing keeping me going today is taking moments out to plan the Memorial day trip. Got an email today from the cabin owner saying he got my deposit and, oh, yeah, they saw a bear the other day =

Met a Goal!!!!!

20 lbs lost since I started this round of healthy habits :) I was feeling so discouraged that I work so hard and the weight is coming off so slowly, but it has really picked up now that my focus is off of school. AND I can really see the difference now. I get a new outfit for every 10 lbs so WOOT, I'm going shopping tonight.

I remembered today it was at this weight last year when strange men started flirting with me LOL. I am still not at all happy with my body, but certainly more comfortable and confident than I was. 15 or so more lbs and I will be at my lowest since OMG- when..? Before I got pregnant with my daughter- and she is 18! And I will be under the BMI for obesity :)

It has been so easy, really- or maybe simple is a better word- that I am completely confident that I will get there- and then to my ultimate goal.

No kiss yet from Scott... Hmmm... I'm not sure what to make of it... after our talk at first I thought, well, gee, nothing has changed. But in some qualitative way, I think it has. The way we interact seems every so slightly different now. And it is very likely he is waiting until he is not exhausted from work to make a move. Or maybe for our trip at the end of the month? Or...? IDK. We have definitely been flirting. And I have noticed him making that quick sideways glance guys always seem to make before they try for a kiss... And I guess taking our time and moving slowly will be more fun in the long run. I have decided for sure I am not making the first move. I made my feelings known and now it's all up to him.

Cautiously hopeful

Well... I finally did it. I had to because keeping it in was making me crazy.

In the morning I had texted Scott that I needed to talk to him about something that's been on my mind. But when he called and asked what, I went speechless. So he suggested we talk in person later. When I got there, he asked me right off what was up and I froze again and said "Maybe later." So he turned off the tv and "No. Come on, go ahead." So I stuttered out some words- I don't think there were any grammatically correct sentences, but he smiled patiently the entire time and I knew it was going to be okay.

We are both interested in moving forward. We talked about our hopes and fears and decided to just let things unfold naturally. And then we had a few minutes of awkward silence before we resumed our normal playful routine.

So today I feel anxious, but a happy, excited, I can't wait to see him again anxiousness.

Still exericising regularly but with finals week, just stayed steady, which was my hope. Got A's in all my courses. Nearly stepped on a 6 foot long black snake on my hike yesterday. I want to be careful that any changes in the relationship don't affect my focus on my fitness.

I had said a few months back that I hoped to find a guy who would love me as I am, before I lose weight--and then let him enjoy the changes as I get in shape. The friend I said it to said I was crazy, that I shouldn't even try dating until I got in shape, because the kinds of guys who would settle for me would be losers. He even specifically said Scott would never been interested in someone like me. But, I guess Ben's motives should be considered suspect anyhow...

I remember reading once about how to decide if a relationship was worth pursuing- they said imagine yourself with that person- at a picnic with friends, a company dinner, holiday family events- would you be comfortable with them in all of these situations? Would they behave appropriately? I like to add a couple others- being your liason when you are unconcious in a hospital bed, fielding a sensitive phone call, handling a bad situation with a contractor...