hint, allegations, and things left unsaid...

I feel GOOD today. Lighter, brighter, energetic! Lost one more pound, despite my less than stellar performance. My clothes are looser. I have been staying within calorie my range, but barely. I have been exercising, but the minimum I can get away with.

I am frustrated that I have to work so hard to get to where I am--so far from where I want to be! When will I get there? Will I ever? And will it be worth it?

Had been up and down a bit, but finished the week down two pounds. This was a stressful week- finals and work stress and ??? BUT I made a decision not to take my summer class. I need the break. I feel like I am giving up a bit, because it isn't available again until next summer... but I can't justify throwing away half my summer at this point. I need a break. I need time for myself. Time for my body and health.

The dinner was WONDERFUL. And Scott loved it, like I thought he would. Still haven't really said anything to him outright. Have given some hints. Not to be sly or play games or anything, just loosening up a bit and holding back a little less. And maybe that's the way it should go- slow and easy and natural. A few times this week I wondered if he wasn't flirting with me...

Last night when I got up to leave, he said "Don't go." And it seems every time I do leave we end up lingering at the door saying one more thing... just one more thing...

But maybe I am just imagining it all to mean something I want it to mean. Won't know until I am bold enough to ask. Won't see him tonight.

Ha Ben, your grip is finally loosening. I haven't checked your facebook page in a week. Of course I did make a mental note of a place you will be soon from an invitation you responded to publicly. Oh, fb makes it way too easy...

Woke up on your livingroom floor again... wondering if I'll ever wake up next to you.

So excited about dinner tonight. Hope it goes well. Feeling bold now, will that last?

Lost .6 lbs. Parking ridiculously far from work went well-- Didn't get a ticket or towed.

Assuming there won't be time later for exercise, I got up early and lifted weights, then took a hike. After work, if there is time, I'll stop at the gym or take another walk to keep my 2 hours/day goal. Had a light breakfast and will have a bowl of soup for lunch, maybe an apple... but hope that will hold me over until dinner.

Hit a roadblock with work/school/life. Don't know what to do, how to handle it.

Every time I see a silver cobalt like Ben's (and they are surprisingly abundant here), I am tempted to ram it, key it, leave a note Someone needs to teach you what forever means. Luckily for all of them, I remember your license plate number from hours of you leading me along winding roads. They are safe. You, however, might want to keep your distance.

Fate Favors the Bold

So, Scott, starting the party early- tonight. What will we do? Probably hang around your apartment, but I am feeling energetic and fun and bold. Gave myself the lion bead. Did not DO anything bold to earn it, but want it on as a reminder that fate favors the bold and I need to start acting on that. I have a tendency to be too cautious. I have some fun ideas for tonight, I hope you are game.

Down a few ounces. Better than up. Anything down feels wonderful. Just so thrilled to be out of the 190's! Got up early today and parked my car far from work in an attempt to save on parking fees. Where I parked is risky, though, so I may end up with a ticket, which will cost me more than parking in the garage would... But, hey, fate favors the bold! LOL.

This parking arangement gave me a nice walk to work- 30 minutes (could have been shorter, but I went via Cardiac Hill for the workout). I will have to walk back at 1:00 to move it to a safer spot, giving me another walk (I'll push that to 60 minutes).

So, walking to work, I had to carry my book bag. I weighed it when I got here- 16 lbs, what I have lost the past 6 weeks. What surprised me, though, was it wasn't a reminder of how hard it was to walk with that extra weight (it was certainly harder than without it!) but now I am stronger and my cardiopulmonary functioning improved, etc., so it was easier to get up that hill with the extra 16 lbs than it was a couple of months ago.

This week I want to stay under 1200 calories 6 of 7 days and workout for 2 hours 6 of 7 days. So far I am doing great, but my week starts Thursdays, so... Tomorrow will be my off day with both calories and exercise. I'll be able to get an hour in on my lunch break, but probably nothing after work. An 8 course dinner with wine pairings at Eleven... I will NOT be fixating on the calories.

Remember Lot's Wife

Scott's birthday. Stopping by tonight, but not celebrating until the weekend (I'll bring some chocolate and a token gift for tonight). Made reservations at one of the top 2 restaurants in the city... at the chef's table. 8 course meal prepared around our likes and dislikes. He's a foodie and loves extravagance and luxury and will be thrilled, I think.

Bought a nice dress for Saturday. It was fun shopping, even though I am not really happy with my body as it is, because I went down a size.

Made my goal of 3 pounds for this week :) Felt like a struggle, because I had a couple of days where I dipped even lower, but then went back up a pound... But still just thrilled to have made my goal and know those lower numbers are right around the corner.

It has been a rough week with my jobs and classes. Finals next week and then a break. Don't know exactly what's up for summer. Trying to sort out my options. And budget for them. Blech.

I ended up going close to my calorie limit (eating my exercise calories for those who know what that means) every day. This might be due to the fact that my calorie budget dropped since I lost weight. I have a personal goal of staying between 1200-1300 calories daily, but require that I at least stay under the limit Loseit sets for me.

Only got my gym workouts and a couple extra walks. So I met my minimum goals of an hour exercise/day and staying within my Loseit calorie budget every day. I also increased the intensity of my workouts quite a bit. A really good week actually, but not good enough for my perfectionistic soul.

The new beads I ordered arrived! They sent a complimentary travel bag and cleaning cloths, too :) I haven't decided which I will "earn" for this week. I like it to be something meaningful for that week. I guess I have the rest of the day to think it through... the lions would be appropriate- if I do something bold. Was thinking of the ice, but for me it represents salt and Lot's wife. And I am not quite ready to Not Look Back.

My favorite of the lot was the Naughty Dragon. I am thinking of holding that for when I meet a big goal- the week I hit my "no longer obese weight" maybe.

Checked out Ben's facebook page again... sometimes he posts things- songs especially, and I wonder if they are meant for me. But then again, he blocked me, so doesn't think I'll see it, right? Or maybe he does realize I am too smart for that. Or maybe they are meant for someone else. Who? No, I am not ready for salt.

Well... Nice dinner with Scott and his daughter at my place last night. I like entertaining. I rarely cook at home any more- either heating something up at his place or eating out. We had fajitas and I have leftovers for lunch today. Tonight will be the first time we have been alone together since I mentioned the dream. He's been doing that spacing out, getting distracted, whatever when I talk more often lately. Or maybe it is just bothering me more. I know that it isn't personal, but sometimes it feels personal. I am going to either mention that it is bugging me or use some behavior management skills to decrease the frequency of it.

"I'm sorry did you say something?"
My responses: "Idk, I guess you missed out." "Well, I'm gonna go, call me when you aren't so busy or distracted."

"When you are talking, do you ever feel like I am not listening?"
"No."
"That's because what you say is important to me because I care about you."

A simple "It bugs me when you ignore me" is probably less manipulative... more straightforward. Qualities I know we both value.

Or maybe I'm just being oversensitive again :-P Or maybe I'm being selfish. He's been stressed and tired and now on top of that I'm going to be pissed because he is having trouble concentrating?

I don't want to be anyone's doormat, but I don't want to be a bitch, either... Find the balance.

And you passed your number along to some old friend... I doubt she'll call. But ugh. What are we doing? We are always together, we include each other in our future planning, why are we still looking elsewhere...? Everyone but us thinks we are dating. Are you giving your number out because you aren't interested in me or because you think I am not interested in you. I did, afterall, say that, but do you really think a no in December holds true through April? Or has your interest waned?

I need to know because I am afraid to be rejected, to make myself vulnerable.

Are we going anywhere? If the only place we are going is here, that's okay, I'm happy here... I'd just like to know how to pack up my baggage.

Ate too much yesterday- stayed within my calorie limits, but only because I got a great workout in.

You know, I look at myself at times--in pictures or in the mirror-- and think I am beautiful... and other times I see myself as frumpy, fat, and (almost) 40.

Bracelet

To encourage and reinforce my healthy behavior changes, I bought myself a charm bracelet. I bought a troll bracelet at the beginning of my journey with a Mexico clasp. For every week I complete my exercise goals and stay within my calorie budget on LoseIt, I earn a new bead.

I am doing it this way for a few reasons: most people reward themselves for the weight lost, but the weight loss is a reward in itself. It is difficult to make changes in behavior and the weight loss is a slow process. As clear and simple as it seems, it can be hard to see the connection between day to day behaviors and changes on teh scale. A small reward directly related to my behaviors is going to increase my adherence to my program.

In addition, wearing the bracelet is a constant reminder of 1) my committment and 2) the progress I have made.

I have earned 5 beads so far:

Phoenix & Dragon: Obviously chosen because I have adopted the phoenix as a symbol of my new journey in life. Still searching out my dragon.

Milky Way: My love of astronomy- keep looking up.

Blue Dessert: Was feeling lost that week, trudging along with no direction.

Stopper: Made it through that week, but barely- felt my committment had faltered a bit and didnt deserve a full bead- plus I didn't like the way the beads would move around on the bracelet.

Rainbow: God's promises to us. The rainbow has always been an important symbol to me. One of my most powerful and confusing prophetic dreams involved rainbows. Think I finally figured it out.

Storms will come, but God will help us survive them

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Love me or leave me alone

So, Scott, without you it was... I don't think you would have liked it any how, a bit too dark and hard.

A great concert though! So close I could have kissed their cheeks had I been so bold. And I can't believe I hesitated to go because of my workout. I ended up dancing off more calories than I would have worked off at the gym. Down another 1.5 lbs.

This was my first time at Mr. Smalls, but it won't be the last. A GREAT venue-- small and intimate, interesting decor, nice bar (bonus that they takes credit/debit!!). Only complaint was the smell of frying onions. Really?!? Just doesn't go well with jumping around on a dance floor.

And I realized when I got there that it was blocks away from some of the places Ben and I had frequented. Driving home lead me down the path that I had driven a dozen times, euphoric after one of our meetings (not dates, never call them that). But don't forget the once or twice I drove it in tears. Or the time I was so distraught I went up the down ramp and nearly killed myself and whoever was coming down it. Because the great times do not make up for the pain.

I dreamt you seduced me just to walk away

Blue October

SItting waiting hoping

So, Scott... you called and everything sounds normal. Invited yourself over this weekend. My dream didn't cause discomfort-- awkwardness-- like I feared. Maybe it planted a seed... maybe it will just be forgotten. I invited you out tonight and you might come. I am going with you or without, but my choice would be with. I can deal with yes or no, but I hate waiting on an answer.

I am worried the fact that I said "I hope this isn't one of my prophetic dreams" will make you think I meant that I am not interested... but I meant the awkward/icky part. Do I explain that? Maybe. If it comes up.

Though it did turn out to be one of my prophetic dreams-- not that part (at least not yet!)-- and as always something completely mundane. After the car scene, I was hiking in the snow and a little girl was blowing bubbles right in my face. Today on my walk I turned a corner and ... BAM walked into a barrage of bubbles a little girl was blowing from her stoop.

Why do I have these dreams? Dreams that come true but seem to be of no consequence?

So I am skipping my workout tonight to see a band that I love that I didn't know was in town. I took a good, brisk 60 minute walk during lunch so I am not really behind, but I wanted to be ahead. And the band is playing in Ben's backyard. Not the kind of band he'd go see or the kind of club he would frequent, though. Will be hard not to take a side trip past his place. Well, I guess it will be easy to control that urge if Scott tags along. Call already!

Procrastinating work things. Why do I do that? Difficult tasks don't get easier the longer they sit. And once you do them, the anxiety disappears.

Wore my sandals on my walk and have blisters now. What was I thinking? I knew I should have changed to walking shoes. And I had to stop several times to dislodge pebbles.

Want a nap.

Foolishness, loneliness, temptation will not defeat me

Well, lost the 1.5lbs I gained. This is why it is better to weigh in weekly instead of daily. Almost skipped my workout last night. I allow myself one day off a week, but had already taken that. I stopped for dinner with Scott after work. Then we went for a walk through town. We were having a nice time- joking, laughing, window shopping, people watching and I said I would stop by after my work out... he said, skip it, you need a day off, you just took a walk, stop being so obssessed, etc., etc. And I almost did. I almost gave in. "Why don't you come workout with me?" I laughed. He laughed. Not happening.

But I had a great workout and soaked in the hot tub and stopped by after.

And this morning I txted you the dream I had last night... Was a daring thing to do and not sure if it was a good idea or not. yet. We were making out in your car. While you were driving. And you got a call. When you were done, you said, "OMG, I'm sorry, this is so embarassing" and I remember the words awkward and icky. Icky? Really? And I was trying to convince you it was the situation that was awkward and icky, not us. But you got another call.

What does it mean? That I want you, but am afraid it would be awkward? That I want you but I am afraid you don't feel the same? Or is it simply that sometimes you get distracted and ignore me (did it several times yesterday) and that bothers me more than I thought?

For now we both L-O-L'd it off.

And oh, Ben, Ben, Ben... I see you are up to your tricks again with a new harem. (Did you really think blocking me on facebook could keep me off your page?!? You know me better than that. I am nothing if not resourceful.). This is why it wouldn't have worked for us. Oh, that and your whole marriage thing. And that is FINE. I didn't want you like that. I mean, I guess on some level I wanted the fantasy you created. But I knew it was a fantasy. I still wanted us to be friends- I had shared more with you than anyone. In ways our relationship was the most intimate I had ever had. But the way you turned things around to hurt me, like you took joy in tormenting me. I don't understand it. Was it a game for you? From the beginning? See how much she can take? See what this pathetic woman will put up with? Or were you lashing out because I hurt you? No one has ever made me feel more successful or defeated; more loved- or unlovable.

But it isn't over yet. At least not for me.

Had such a good workout yesterday... and have been really consistent and doing well... but gained 1.5 lbs overnight. I am fairly sure this is hormonal and I should ignore it but it is making me feel whiney. It isn't fair! And today is my official weigh in day. Still down a pound from beginning of the week, but I should be down at least 2. This is when it is hard to stay motivated-- when I am doing the right things and not seeing the results I want. But I need to focus on all the positive- My clothes are looser. I have more energy (well, except for the drowsiness, but again I think that is hormone related). I feel stronger.

Last night in class, I ended up doing a group activity with two thin girls- a case study on weight loss of all things. When I heard their thoughts on what were needed as interventions, I realized why skinny people hate fat people so much- why they think we are lazy and glutunous. Suggestions of walking 20 minutes, 3 times a week. Suggestions of eating the big meal at lunch instead of dinner. LOL. If they think that is all we need to do to lose weight, no WONDER they look down on us.

I workout to the point of being out of breath and drenched with sweat 7 days a week for an hour. Plus I hike. And I lift weights. And I have to track every calorie I consume. And yet, I GAINED a pound and a half this week. I WISH it were as easy as they think.

But what is worth doing is rarely easy.

Spent the evening apart from the object of my affection for a change (He needs a name here, Scott, okay, Scott will do). Nearly every day we are together. Not many people I can say that I could do that with and not get tired of them. Is there a point where that will end with us? From the beginning I have thought and said things like... "If we're still friends this winter, we should ____" with the thought that we won't be or might not be, but always we are. I just keep waiting for it to evaporate, to implode, to crumble... like a castle in the sand- but the wave retreats and still it stands- We stand.

But nothing lasts forever, right?

So tired today. So unmotivated. Spent two hours nappin on couch. Should have been out enjoying the sunshine. At gym now. Putting in my time but wish I weren't. These feelings aren't typical for me. Also cravings today. Ate junk. Not a ton but had the feeling of a binge. Insatiable.

Wow Ben you still assault me out if the blue. How do you do it? Just ran across our initials in a restroom in Oakland that i haven't used in months. Had I remembered they were here i would have used the next stall. Who would have imagined they would have avoided erasure or erision this long?How long before I no longer flinch at your name?

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These three remain.

Last night I met my son down town for dinner... the tavern I wanted stop at was closed, so he chose Primanti's. 1,400 calories for a steak sandwich, coleslaw and fries spilling out from under alarmingly fresh slices of thick white bread. Makes the phrase "Killer Sandwich, Man!" a double entendre.

Now, knowing we were going out, I had eaten light throughout the day and I only ate half of it... Compounding the problem I got stuck at work and couldn't get to the gym and had logged only half an hour of exercise. And after dinner got lured to "a friend's" at the suggestion of a night out at the jazz club, which turned into a lazy evening on the couch while he flipped channels and slipped stale Samoas to me in the dark (I only had two!)... I fully expected to wake this morning 2 lbs heavier... but I stayed stable.

But you can't say no to dinner out with your son. And you can't turn down anything slipped to you silently in the dark by someone you are longing to kiss. And my goals require me to stay on track 6/7 days, so this was the day I wiggled.

Food is not just sustenance. It is not just globs of calories. It is more than our bodies' fuel. Food has cultural, religious, spiritual meaning to humans and I think we are foolish to try to deny that in our journeys toward better health.

For instance... Ben, I still have your last 3 slices of pie in my freezer. I can't bring myself to eat them, even though it was quite possibly the best pie I have ever baked. Certainly the best peach pie I have ever baked. I can't throw them away. Can't serve them to anyone else. Even transferred them from one rented freezer to the next when I moved. I remember watching you, the man who shuns seconds, rushing back to the kitchen for more. The fork poised before your mouth, the hunger in your eyes. For the pie? I remember packaging the leftovers after you left that day... individual slices. I had imagined that each time you came by I'd thaw one. I assumed the pie would run out before your visits did.

Did it...

The light went out. Odd thing about that... As I sat here trying to make it go off, I couldn't. When I sat up, got distracted, got busy reading and typing and forgetting myself for a moment... off the light went. Seems there should be some kind of lesson there.

So my weight loss... going well. Every day for past few I have been down about 1 pound. I know that won't keep up. Typical for me to lose a few quickly, then stay steady a week or so, but it is so motivating. I just wish I could close my eyes and be at my goal. Or at least at that place where I was before I got off track. Oh yeah, I forgot- leave the past behind. It is the process that makes me a stronger person. It is climbing the mountain, not the view from the top, that brings joy, peace.

I finally have the behavioral momentum I needed to move forward effortlessly. Well, maybe not effortlessly, but consistently.

Hail

Head down on my desk, covered by my shawl... listening to Michael Hedges... Seeing if I can stay still long enough for the motion sensitive lights to go out.

PLEASE God. Give me a sign. Give me an answer. A clear one for a change. I never know what you mean. Or am I just seeing signs where they don't exist. I just feel lost, Lord. Show me. Something.

Buzz.

HimTxt: It's hailing.
MeTxt: Lol. I was just praying for a sign from God... But does that mean yes or no lol? Why must He always be so cryptic?!?
HimTxt: Yes ?
MeTxt: Lol yes will work

If only he knew the question...

So I found the keys.

Does this mean you never broke in? No. Too much coincidence to deny that. Don't try. Of course with you there were always coincidences, weren't there?

Tempted to write to you. Not to apologize. "Don't apologize when you find the keys." Were your exact words to me. I don't feel the need or desire anyhow. I want an explanation. How did you get in if you didn't have the keys? And where did you find the quote if you didn't break in? And the eggs and the magnets and..?

But then I think... I wanted you out of my life. If the only way for that to happen is to have falsely accused you then so fucking be it. I am monumentally better off without you.

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So you aren't in any of the places I would have expected to find you. You were always better at this than I was.
And had I found you, then what? I wouldn't have dared approach you.

Disappointments...

So my romantic interest has a date. And it's my job as his friend to be happy. Congratulatory. But that's my own fault, I suppose. I could, should, just tell him how I feel. Tell him "Stop driving yourself crazy with all this dating madness-- stop wasting time with all these women-- you can have ME." But that sets me up for highly probable response- "No thanks."

I just keep imagining maybe when the time comes that I am ready- emotionally, physically, mentally- he will be single. But every time he has a date... I see that chance diminishing.

5 minutes into my 30 minute workout I was ready to quit. I was sweating already and my legs burning. 10 minutes in and the feeling usually passes. Not this time. At 15 in I figured out that the change in settings from my weight loss is probably what was making it so much more intense. At 28 minutes I finally realized I was going to make it. And I did. And lying in the hot tub after, I understoood that this is what it's all about.

Going when you want to stop.

So... now I'll make some dinner. Take a hike. Stalk my nemesis.

Mini Goal Met!!

10 lbs lost!

It feels bittersweet, since I was down to 169 last July, before my depression hit. But, hey, I rose up, dusted off the ashes and I am making progress again. I need to leave the old me behind- successes and failures of the past are the past. What I am today is all that matters.

But I guess I only partially like the me that I am today. I need to get past that. Because I can make all the changes in the world and still not like myself. Still not be happy. Still not be satisfied.

So. Today I have the reward of meeting the 10 lb goal after my hard work. Well, to be honest, it really isn't hard. There are difficult moments, but it has been fairly easy. Time consuming, though. SO, I guess I have made sacrifices and this is my reward for that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Completely consumed lately by my obsession with... hmm... what shall we call him? Ben. But I will be driving through his town tonight and will be breathing the air he breathes and will most likely make a side trip or two past his home and the places he frequents. And what good will that do me? None. In fact it will probably be detrimental. But that knowledge won't stop me.

My goals. dreams. etc.

So. I am finally on track, after several months of struggling, with my exercise and eating goals. I am overweight. Obese by the charts. Okay. I'm fat. What an ugly word. Why? Why does so much of my self worth revolve around that word? Why is it so... ahem... distasteful? I want to become unfat. I want to be healthy and strong and active. And let's inject some honesty. I want to be beautiful. BUT I don't believe that even with the weight loss I will be. But I will do what I can to at least be the best I can be.

I have other goals though. My fatness doesn't define me in totality.

I spent a year in a very dysfunctional relationship after 24 years in an unhappy marriage. Why did I let this happen?? Why can't I let go of it? How do I get past it? Why does a part of me not want to get past it?

I want to find... what is it? Love? I don't have much faith in that word anymore. But companionship. Yes, I have friends. But I want that one person to share my life with-- if not forever then at least for now. But before I can find this thing I am looking for, I have to figure out what it is I want. I actually have my eye on someone. But I feel so unattractive to myself, I can't imagine him wanting me.

I want to improve the world around me. To enrich the lives of the people I know and love (or tolerate) as well as the strangers whose paths I cross.

I want to be joyful and peaceful. I want to see God's hand in everything. I want to follow His plan for living- but not be bound by man-made, legalistic rules that go beyond this.

I want to find some freedom. Feeling a bit trapped.

I want to appreciate my blessings and stop whining about my challenges (which in the grand scheme are minor).

I want to see Radiohead live.

I said I would never...

I said I would never have a blog. Sigh.

But here I am feeling the need to say to the world things that most likely no one is really interested in... things that maybe I don't want to share with the people who know me. Or maybe that they are tired of hearing about. So I will do it here anonymously.

This is anonymous, right?