My goals. dreams. etc.

So. I am finally on track, after several months of struggling, with my exercise and eating goals. I am overweight. Obese by the charts. Okay. I'm fat. What an ugly word. Why? Why does so much of my self worth revolve around that word? Why is it so... ahem... distasteful? I want to become unfat. I want to be healthy and strong and active. And let's inject some honesty. I want to be beautiful. BUT I don't believe that even with the weight loss I will be. But I will do what I can to at least be the best I can be.

I have other goals though. My fatness doesn't define me in totality.

I spent a year in a very dysfunctional relationship after 24 years in an unhappy marriage. Why did I let this happen?? Why can't I let go of it? How do I get past it? Why does a part of me not want to get past it?

I want to find... what is it? Love? I don't have much faith in that word anymore. But companionship. Yes, I have friends. But I want that one person to share my life with-- if not forever then at least for now. But before I can find this thing I am looking for, I have to figure out what it is I want. I actually have my eye on someone. But I feel so unattractive to myself, I can't imagine him wanting me.

I want to improve the world around me. To enrich the lives of the people I know and love (or tolerate) as well as the strangers whose paths I cross.

I want to be joyful and peaceful. I want to see God's hand in everything. I want to follow His plan for living- but not be bound by man-made, legalistic rules that go beyond this.

I want to find some freedom. Feeling a bit trapped.

I want to appreciate my blessings and stop whining about my challenges (which in the grand scheme are minor).

I want to see Radiohead live.