Foolishness, loneliness, temptation will not defeat me

Well, lost the 1.5lbs I gained. This is why it is better to weigh in weekly instead of daily. Almost skipped my workout last night. I allow myself one day off a week, but had already taken that. I stopped for dinner with Scott after work. Then we went for a walk through town. We were having a nice time- joking, laughing, window shopping, people watching and I said I would stop by after my work out... he said, skip it, you need a day off, you just took a walk, stop being so obssessed, etc., etc. And I almost did. I almost gave in. "Why don't you come workout with me?" I laughed. He laughed. Not happening.

But I had a great workout and soaked in the hot tub and stopped by after.

And this morning I txted you the dream I had last night... Was a daring thing to do and not sure if it was a good idea or not. yet. We were making out in your car. While you were driving. And you got a call. When you were done, you said, "OMG, I'm sorry, this is so embarassing" and I remember the words awkward and icky. Icky? Really? And I was trying to convince you it was the situation that was awkward and icky, not us. But you got another call.

What does it mean? That I want you, but am afraid it would be awkward? That I want you but I am afraid you don't feel the same? Or is it simply that sometimes you get distracted and ignore me (did it several times yesterday) and that bothers me more than I thought?

For now we both L-O-L'd it off.

And oh, Ben, Ben, Ben... I see you are up to your tricks again with a new harem. (Did you really think blocking me on facebook could keep me off your page?!? You know me better than that. I am nothing if not resourceful.). This is why it wouldn't have worked for us. Oh, that and your whole marriage thing. And that is FINE. I didn't want you like that. I mean, I guess on some level I wanted the fantasy you created. But I knew it was a fantasy. I still wanted us to be friends- I had shared more with you than anyone. In ways our relationship was the most intimate I had ever had. But the way you turned things around to hurt me, like you took joy in tormenting me. I don't understand it. Was it a game for you? From the beginning? See how much she can take? See what this pathetic woman will put up with? Or were you lashing out because I hurt you? No one has ever made me feel more successful or defeated; more loved- or unlovable.

But it isn't over yet. At least not for me.