OMG WHAT DID I JUST DO???

So I was all set to ignore the cakes... but then I decided WTH, eat half my lunch and a slice of cake. The twinkie guy did it. So I went into the work kitchen and cut a HUGE slice of cake and went to my office and sat down and took the first big bite and thought WTF am I doing?!?

So I ate a few bites and threw about 2/3 of what I served myself away. I enjoyed it- I don't feel guilty, but I am surprised at how I almost jumped. I would not have enjoyed eating the whole slice more than I enjoyed the few bites.

It wasn't even that good, to be honest. I would have enjoyed a bowl of my own home made chocolate pudding more. Oh well, back to life.

I'll have a nice dinner and some fruit this evening and all is well with the world.

Aaaack!

The cakes are still there! Can I make it through the day without one? Can I work a slice into my calorie count (ie eat a slice of cake instead of lunch)? SHOULD I?

No. Of course I shouldn't. Therefore I won't. Why shouldn't I? Because that slice of cake isn't even THAT good. I mean it is good, don't get me wrong, but very sweet and... hey! They sell the cutest little two-bite versions of all their cakes at the bakery. Why don't I have a bite of cake?? The first bite is the bite that is good. The first bite is the one that makes you melt. There is no rule that you must take a whole SLICE.

So I will see how I feel later. If I really want some, I will have a bite.

BUT do you know what I REALLY want? I want to be able to climb the climbing wall at the science center. My bf lovingly pointed out that, despite my superior arm strength, I am just too bottom heavy, which throws off my center of gravity-- That it shouldn't bother me- no one can be good at everything. GRRRRRR.

Chocolate cake vs climbing wall. Which would bring me more pleasure?

Non-gym day. It's saturday, I am at the office. Blah. I'll take a break during my day for a walk.

Dinner tonight:

Grilled Cheese, soup, salad

Exercise:

30 minutes walking

caught between a torte and a layer cake

Made it through the day... even with my two favorite cakes from Prantl's- chocolate sour cream and burnt almond torte in the work fridge. I texted Scott and his response : Have a slice- you deserve it. Grrrrr. At least I know he loves me as I am! Honestly I wasn't really tempted, though.

I DID give in an bought a mocha on the way to a work meeting I knew would be painful... But I got a small with skim, so not too crazy. Plus the meeting was in another building, so I also had a half hour walk... keeping me well within my calorie limits.

I'm tired right now- but had a trying day, so it's not a surprise.

Going strong...

Day 2 of vegetarianesque eating... bf gave in last night, and I don't think it's a big deal. The only difference between our meals is that he had meatballs and I had black beans. It was all his idea to start with, though, lol! But I feel good.

Yesterday was holiday party day at work. I had the delicous veggie lasagna and chocolate cake--but stayed in my calorie budget for the day. Bf & I went to gym last night and I went again this morning. I workout twice as much as he does, and probably eat less than he does... and you can really see a change in him already after one week at the gym :( I mean I am happy for HIM, but it's just not fair! My jeans are still tight grrrr

Our morning routine may be changing and I am a bit worried about how it might affect my workout, but it should be okay, since my new plan is NOT routine dependent. I think that has been one of my downfalls in the past. I need something flexible enough that changes will not ruin it.

Reading the successes of others has been helping a lot. Seeing that people do different things to reach the same goal I have- various amounts and types of exercise, various ways of eating- as long as you are burning more than you consume, you are going to lose; and as long as you are consistent, you are going to reach your goal.

For instance ... Do I approve of such a plan?? Eating twinkies 3x/day? No. Do I really think it will make him healthier than if he were eating whole foods? Not a chance- BUT he lost weight. Now, weight is only ONE marker of health- but it just proves my theory that a calorie deficit is the bottom line for weight loss. Is health about more than weight loss? Absolutely. Is my goal to eat mostly whole foods? Yes.

Exercise:
7:00 am 20 mins Cross Trainer

Dinner tonight:
Grilled Polenta & Tuscan veggies with tomato sauce

I'm back, We're back, no holding back, no turning back

Alright. I am back. No more false starts. No more excuses.

Ah- the changes since last post... Apparently all he wanted was a break. Woops. I took "break up" differently than he... dated again, tried to move on. Two months of pain for us both and we realized we love each other and want to be together forever. We are back together and bought a house. So I guess it doesn't get much more serious... but we're ready for it now. And whatever may have been missing is certainly not now. No holding back.

So... I have him coming along to the gym and I have my routine locked in place, but more importantly I have made a committment that transcends routine. I have to stick to what works (burn more than you consume SO SIMPLE!!) regardless of what is going on in my life. EVERY day.

Having his company at the gym was fun for me- In almost all areas I out work him. Having him there sparks a competitive streak in me that makes me move faster, longer, and smile while I do it. It is also fun and I end up doing a different variety of things than when alone. But I am not going to count on these workouts as the focus of my goals- these are like icing and just for fun. But I cannot get dependent on them because if he misses, I need to stay focused.

I have goals- and we have goals- that require a level of fitness I haven't quite reached. But I am determined.

We are doing a week of vegetarian eating. I think it will be fun. For today I made some home made hummus which we both loved. I want to be careful to not replace the meat with other high calorie foods like carbs and dairy. So easy to just pile on the cheese! I want to learn to make new things- like tofu and falafel.

The weather has gotten blustery and I just want to hibernate. I am trying to turn my attitude around and anticipate trying new things like cross country skiing...

The Good, The bad, and the ugly...

OMG. I cannot believe I have allowed this to happen. Okay, there were some extenuating circumstances... but there are NO NO NO excuses. The circumstances: started bc pills- for a few weeks I was very tired, dizzy, nauseated; working too much (remedied by quitting superfluous 2nd job); in effect moved in with bf (remedied by him breaking up with me :( ).

In 2 months I gained 14 pounds (well, really I think I gained more than that, but at the time I reclaimed my sanity, I was 14lbs over the day I had lost it).

But now for The Good:

In the past two weeks since the shocking breakup:

I have lost 10 of the 14 pounds, I wake up without aches, pains, headache, I have energy throughout the day without coffee, My clothes are looser...

What I have changed: Bed at 10:30-11, up at 6:30/7 for a 30-min walk in the woods, taking my supplements (nothing weird- vit c, fish oil, etc), 60 minutes/day cardio at the gym every day, 20 mins strength training every other day, staying between 1000-1200 calories, tracking what I eat.

So... the relationship saga :( Everything was going great. He was getting a little too serious a little too fast for me, but I got swept away and was having so much fun. Everything seemed fine. I came home one evening and he sat me down and said he wanted to go back to being friends. What?!? Wait, WHAT?!? 12 hours before you were telling me you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me... and now What?!? Not, I think we're moving too fast, let's slow down, nothing. It will be the same he said, just without the sex. Really? No, it will not. It changes a lot of other things. The abruptness of it hurt. The sudden loss of so many things I was enjoying.

But we ARE trying to continue to be friends. We were best friends. I still want that. But how to find the balance. How to make sense of it. Still figuring that out. Day by day.

And I cannot help but wonder if it is because of my weight. I knew before we got together that he prefered thin women. I was heavier than the women he is attracted to and I gained weight after we got together... I think he thought we are so great together that he could overlook it, that it would be okay... I think he tried and wanted it to work. But I can't help hating him a little. Not because it didn't work, but because he built up this fantasy future to me and then took it away. Not just a few careless impulsive comments, but multitudes of comments backed up by actions.

BUT I will not let this destroy me... I will move forward, focus on my own goals. I believe one thing I have been doing wrong- not just with him, but in some other relationships over the past year, is working on other people's goals/tasks in order to distract myself from my own. Some people procrastinate by watching tv or turning to drugs... I help people. That way I can feel productive and altruistic. Time to be a little selfish and self-centered.

And idiot that I am, I signed back in to the online dating site right away. Have had a couple dates and am corresponding with a few guys. That was a huge mistake. I wanted a distraction. I wanted to find the stuff I lost. I am not ready to date. I need to focus on me.

Oh, and Ben, I ate your pie. Good bye.

Oh, so tired! Long days. Procrastinating. Why? I feel better once the work is done, but getting it started is torturous.

Two days of work and then we are off... a trip we planned as friends but will take as lovers. So many of the details will be a surprise to you. I like to surprise you... you don't like surprises, you like stability... but I have found a way to work it. I just keep your expectations low, without letting on that a surprise is waiting. A rustic cabin in a crowded campground is what you are imagining. But when we get there, you'll be thrilled to find a jacuzzi and cable and seclusion.

A whole week without distractions, without worries, without obligations. No alarm clock. No facebook. No starbucks. No traffic. No beggars.

Just want to leave. Walk away from it all now. Close my eyes and open them on the road.

Expectations = Disappointment

Got my kiss. Kisses. A whirlwind of them. Almost impossible now to look back and decide when/where/how we went from point A to point B, but here we are and my fears have vanished.

Always more questions. What does he want? How long can this last, really? It can't last forever, right? right? It's not as perfect as it feels, right? It never is. Happily ever after is just a Disney fantasy. Family-friendly porn.

All I know is I WANT it to last. I will do everything I can to keep it this way or better. To keep it safe, fun, easy, stable, yet exciting. Old and familiar, but new. But I am not expecting anything. I am not promising anything. I insist that we remain independent. If it lasts I want it to last because we are still enjoying each other, not because we need each other. Not Because we have to. Not Because it isn't worth the hassle to leave. But because we are better together.

Not tracking. Not exercising much. Or as much. Not gaining, though, so not panicking.

Such a week ahead. Hard work to be followed by a big reward.

Living in the Land of Virtual Reality ~ Rusted Root

Found an awesome site for analyzing recipes- Calorie Count. It's got a bunch of other tools, as well, but I didn't sign up, just used the analyzer. This is by far the easiest one to use I have ever tried. And for me, with the way I modify recipes, it is an invaluable tool.

Took a week, but back on track. Trying not to be too critical of myself. Why did it happen? How did it happen? I don't know. But I couldn't stop eating. Or, no, of course I COULD have, but I just didn't care for some reason. I truly don't get it- eating doesn't bring any great pleasure to me, being careful with my eating doesn't cause me distress.

Well... Ben, I know where you are today. I was going to be there, too. I don't know what I would have done. A note on your car, a silent walk past you, maybe just hang out on a blanket and read a book near your tent, maybe hide on the trails and watch you from behind a tree...? If you saw me, how would you react? Ignore me? Ask me to leave? Sweep me into your arms?

I left chalk messages on the pavement. I. Will. NEVER. Let. You. Fall. One word at a time along the trail. Words. Images. An angel with a face more forlorn than I intended. Did the rain wash them away? Will you know they were meant for you? Will you know it was me?

I was going to be there. Had every intention. But Scott called and my reality with him is ever so much better than our fantasy life ever was. I didn't even deliberate. Maybe I was even grateful for an excuse to change my plans.

An imperfect reality trumps a virtual perfection.

I think I earned my salt today.

Blahfulness

I feel blah....

Headache, body aches, tired. When I sit still, I feel like I am sinking into the floor--not a heaviness, but almost a dizzy/floaty feeling? Have also been getting some tinnitus or something past few days. Yesterday I was so sleepy all day. After visiting with my son, I fell asleep at 4:30 and didn't wake until 6:30. Have been staying up too late and having trouble sleeping, could it be that simple? Mild sore throat, though, too, so maybe picked up one of the colds I have been exposed to.

Brings a dilema- do I push myself or allow myself a break. Am I being lazy and in need of coercion; or sick/rundown and in need of recovery? I think I'll push forward, but keep it light. Consistency, after all, is the key. If I can put in my hours, even if not at my optimum level, then when I have my strength, power, focus regained, I can easily pick up the pace... if I stop completely it can be hard or impossible to get back into the groove.

Chose today- rainy and dreary- as the day to start taking the bus to work. I can ride free, but it's $10/day if I drive and park. The parking far away was not working (more in tickets than if had I paid for parking, thanks to obscure parking regs :- ). So, I am looking at it as paying myself $10/day to ride the bus.

Took the last three days "off" from my health routines. Why?!? I don't know. I just couldn't stop eating and feel like a sloth. I did make SOME good choices in that time, just not good enough. And it doesn't leave me more satisfied, more energized, happier in any sense. Avoiding the scale for a few days so I don't get discouraged. I do feel under the weather, but also noticed I had these same feelings- but nowhere close to this degree, last month, so it could be cyclical.

Mother's day was nice this year. Last year it was painful-- The day my son had chosen to cut off communication- a move that lasted 6 months and almost killed me. But both of my children are in flux and it worries me. Though I hear him saying things now- things that I know he learned from me, and I am happy that I had some positive influence-- but OMG the mistakes I regret. I can't take them back.

Free lunch today at work if I walk to main campus... have food here, but also considering the cafe next door. Craving eggs. But whatever I choose, I will stay in my limit. I can eat anything I want and stay within my limits and see success if I am mindful.

Avoiding a number of unpleasant work/school related tasks. Sigh. Procrastination does not make them easier.

Want to close my door and close my eyes.

Only thing keeping me going today is taking moments out to plan the Memorial day trip. Got an email today from the cabin owner saying he got my deposit and, oh, yeah, they saw a bear the other day =

Met a Goal!!!!!

20 lbs lost since I started this round of healthy habits :) I was feeling so discouraged that I work so hard and the weight is coming off so slowly, but it has really picked up now that my focus is off of school. AND I can really see the difference now. I get a new outfit for every 10 lbs so WOOT, I'm going shopping tonight.

I remembered today it was at this weight last year when strange men started flirting with me LOL. I am still not at all happy with my body, but certainly more comfortable and confident than I was. 15 or so more lbs and I will be at my lowest since OMG- when..? Before I got pregnant with my daughter- and she is 18! And I will be under the BMI for obesity :)

It has been so easy, really- or maybe simple is a better word- that I am completely confident that I will get there- and then to my ultimate goal.

No kiss yet from Scott... Hmmm... I'm not sure what to make of it... after our talk at first I thought, well, gee, nothing has changed. But in some qualitative way, I think it has. The way we interact seems every so slightly different now. And it is very likely he is waiting until he is not exhausted from work to make a move. Or maybe for our trip at the end of the month? Or...? IDK. We have definitely been flirting. And I have noticed him making that quick sideways glance guys always seem to make before they try for a kiss... And I guess taking our time and moving slowly will be more fun in the long run. I have decided for sure I am not making the first move. I made my feelings known and now it's all up to him.

Cautiously hopeful

Well... I finally did it. I had to because keeping it in was making me crazy.

In the morning I had texted Scott that I needed to talk to him about something that's been on my mind. But when he called and asked what, I went speechless. So he suggested we talk in person later. When I got there, he asked me right off what was up and I froze again and said "Maybe later." So he turned off the tv and "No. Come on, go ahead." So I stuttered out some words- I don't think there were any grammatically correct sentences, but he smiled patiently the entire time and I knew it was going to be okay.

We are both interested in moving forward. We talked about our hopes and fears and decided to just let things unfold naturally. And then we had a few minutes of awkward silence before we resumed our normal playful routine.

So today I feel anxious, but a happy, excited, I can't wait to see him again anxiousness.

Still exericising regularly but with finals week, just stayed steady, which was my hope. Got A's in all my courses. Nearly stepped on a 6 foot long black snake on my hike yesterday. I want to be careful that any changes in the relationship don't affect my focus on my fitness.

I had said a few months back that I hoped to find a guy who would love me as I am, before I lose weight--and then let him enjoy the changes as I get in shape. The friend I said it to said I was crazy, that I shouldn't even try dating until I got in shape, because the kinds of guys who would settle for me would be losers. He even specifically said Scott would never been interested in someone like me. But, I guess Ben's motives should be considered suspect anyhow...

I remember reading once about how to decide if a relationship was worth pursuing- they said imagine yourself with that person- at a picnic with friends, a company dinner, holiday family events- would you be comfortable with them in all of these situations? Would they behave appropriately? I like to add a couple others- being your liason when you are unconcious in a hospital bed, fielding a sensitive phone call, handling a bad situation with a contractor...

hint, allegations, and things left unsaid...

I feel GOOD today. Lighter, brighter, energetic! Lost one more pound, despite my less than stellar performance. My clothes are looser. I have been staying within calorie my range, but barely. I have been exercising, but the minimum I can get away with.

I am frustrated that I have to work so hard to get to where I am--so far from where I want to be! When will I get there? Will I ever? And will it be worth it?

Had been up and down a bit, but finished the week down two pounds. This was a stressful week- finals and work stress and ??? BUT I made a decision not to take my summer class. I need the break. I feel like I am giving up a bit, because it isn't available again until next summer... but I can't justify throwing away half my summer at this point. I need a break. I need time for myself. Time for my body and health.

The dinner was WONDERFUL. And Scott loved it, like I thought he would. Still haven't really said anything to him outright. Have given some hints. Not to be sly or play games or anything, just loosening up a bit and holding back a little less. And maybe that's the way it should go- slow and easy and natural. A few times this week I wondered if he wasn't flirting with me...

Last night when I got up to leave, he said "Don't go." And it seems every time I do leave we end up lingering at the door saying one more thing... just one more thing...

But maybe I am just imagining it all to mean something I want it to mean. Won't know until I am bold enough to ask. Won't see him tonight.

Ha Ben, your grip is finally loosening. I haven't checked your facebook page in a week. Of course I did make a mental note of a place you will be soon from an invitation you responded to publicly. Oh, fb makes it way too easy...

Woke up on your livingroom floor again... wondering if I'll ever wake up next to you.

So excited about dinner tonight. Hope it goes well. Feeling bold now, will that last?

Lost .6 lbs. Parking ridiculously far from work went well-- Didn't get a ticket or towed.

Assuming there won't be time later for exercise, I got up early and lifted weights, then took a hike. After work, if there is time, I'll stop at the gym or take another walk to keep my 2 hours/day goal. Had a light breakfast and will have a bowl of soup for lunch, maybe an apple... but hope that will hold me over until dinner.

Hit a roadblock with work/school/life. Don't know what to do, how to handle it.

Every time I see a silver cobalt like Ben's (and they are surprisingly abundant here), I am tempted to ram it, key it, leave a note Someone needs to teach you what forever means. Luckily for all of them, I remember your license plate number from hours of you leading me along winding roads. They are safe. You, however, might want to keep your distance.

Fate Favors the Bold

So, Scott, starting the party early- tonight. What will we do? Probably hang around your apartment, but I am feeling energetic and fun and bold. Gave myself the lion bead. Did not DO anything bold to earn it, but want it on as a reminder that fate favors the bold and I need to start acting on that. I have a tendency to be too cautious. I have some fun ideas for tonight, I hope you are game.

Down a few ounces. Better than up. Anything down feels wonderful. Just so thrilled to be out of the 190's! Got up early today and parked my car far from work in an attempt to save on parking fees. Where I parked is risky, though, so I may end up with a ticket, which will cost me more than parking in the garage would... But, hey, fate favors the bold! LOL.

This parking arangement gave me a nice walk to work- 30 minutes (could have been shorter, but I went via Cardiac Hill for the workout). I will have to walk back at 1:00 to move it to a safer spot, giving me another walk (I'll push that to 60 minutes).

So, walking to work, I had to carry my book bag. I weighed it when I got here- 16 lbs, what I have lost the past 6 weeks. What surprised me, though, was it wasn't a reminder of how hard it was to walk with that extra weight (it was certainly harder than without it!) but now I am stronger and my cardiopulmonary functioning improved, etc., so it was easier to get up that hill with the extra 16 lbs than it was a couple of months ago.

This week I want to stay under 1200 calories 6 of 7 days and workout for 2 hours 6 of 7 days. So far I am doing great, but my week starts Thursdays, so... Tomorrow will be my off day with both calories and exercise. I'll be able to get an hour in on my lunch break, but probably nothing after work. An 8 course dinner with wine pairings at Eleven... I will NOT be fixating on the calories.

Remember Lot's Wife

Scott's birthday. Stopping by tonight, but not celebrating until the weekend (I'll bring some chocolate and a token gift for tonight). Made reservations at one of the top 2 restaurants in the city... at the chef's table. 8 course meal prepared around our likes and dislikes. He's a foodie and loves extravagance and luxury and will be thrilled, I think.

Bought a nice dress for Saturday. It was fun shopping, even though I am not really happy with my body as it is, because I went down a size.

Made my goal of 3 pounds for this week :) Felt like a struggle, because I had a couple of days where I dipped even lower, but then went back up a pound... But still just thrilled to have made my goal and know those lower numbers are right around the corner.

It has been a rough week with my jobs and classes. Finals next week and then a break. Don't know exactly what's up for summer. Trying to sort out my options. And budget for them. Blech.

I ended up going close to my calorie limit (eating my exercise calories for those who know what that means) every day. This might be due to the fact that my calorie budget dropped since I lost weight. I have a personal goal of staying between 1200-1300 calories daily, but require that I at least stay under the limit Loseit sets for me.

Only got my gym workouts and a couple extra walks. So I met my minimum goals of an hour exercise/day and staying within my Loseit calorie budget every day. I also increased the intensity of my workouts quite a bit. A really good week actually, but not good enough for my perfectionistic soul.

The new beads I ordered arrived! They sent a complimentary travel bag and cleaning cloths, too :) I haven't decided which I will "earn" for this week. I like it to be something meaningful for that week. I guess I have the rest of the day to think it through... the lions would be appropriate- if I do something bold. Was thinking of the ice, but for me it represents salt and Lot's wife. And I am not quite ready to Not Look Back.

My favorite of the lot was the Naughty Dragon. I am thinking of holding that for when I meet a big goal- the week I hit my "no longer obese weight" maybe.

Checked out Ben's facebook page again... sometimes he posts things- songs especially, and I wonder if they are meant for me. But then again, he blocked me, so doesn't think I'll see it, right? Or maybe he does realize I am too smart for that. Or maybe they are meant for someone else. Who? No, I am not ready for salt.

Well... Nice dinner with Scott and his daughter at my place last night. I like entertaining. I rarely cook at home any more- either heating something up at his place or eating out. We had fajitas and I have leftovers for lunch today. Tonight will be the first time we have been alone together since I mentioned the dream. He's been doing that spacing out, getting distracted, whatever when I talk more often lately. Or maybe it is just bothering me more. I know that it isn't personal, but sometimes it feels personal. I am going to either mention that it is bugging me or use some behavior management skills to decrease the frequency of it.

"I'm sorry did you say something?"
My responses: "Idk, I guess you missed out." "Well, I'm gonna go, call me when you aren't so busy or distracted."

"When you are talking, do you ever feel like I am not listening?"
"No."
"That's because what you say is important to me because I care about you."

A simple "It bugs me when you ignore me" is probably less manipulative... more straightforward. Qualities I know we both value.

Or maybe I'm just being oversensitive again :-P Or maybe I'm being selfish. He's been stressed and tired and now on top of that I'm going to be pissed because he is having trouble concentrating?

I don't want to be anyone's doormat, but I don't want to be a bitch, either... Find the balance.

And you passed your number along to some old friend... I doubt she'll call. But ugh. What are we doing? We are always together, we include each other in our future planning, why are we still looking elsewhere...? Everyone but us thinks we are dating. Are you giving your number out because you aren't interested in me or because you think I am not interested in you. I did, afterall, say that, but do you really think a no in December holds true through April? Or has your interest waned?

I need to know because I am afraid to be rejected, to make myself vulnerable.

Are we going anywhere? If the only place we are going is here, that's okay, I'm happy here... I'd just like to know how to pack up my baggage.

Ate too much yesterday- stayed within my calorie limits, but only because I got a great workout in.

You know, I look at myself at times--in pictures or in the mirror-- and think I am beautiful... and other times I see myself as frumpy, fat, and (almost) 40.

Bracelet

To encourage and reinforce my healthy behavior changes, I bought myself a charm bracelet. I bought a troll bracelet at the beginning of my journey with a Mexico clasp. For every week I complete my exercise goals and stay within my calorie budget on LoseIt, I earn a new bead.

I am doing it this way for a few reasons: most people reward themselves for the weight lost, but the weight loss is a reward in itself. It is difficult to make changes in behavior and the weight loss is a slow process. As clear and simple as it seems, it can be hard to see the connection between day to day behaviors and changes on teh scale. A small reward directly related to my behaviors is going to increase my adherence to my program.

In addition, wearing the bracelet is a constant reminder of 1) my committment and 2) the progress I have made.

I have earned 5 beads so far:

Phoenix & Dragon: Obviously chosen because I have adopted the phoenix as a symbol of my new journey in life. Still searching out my dragon.

Milky Way: My love of astronomy- keep looking up.

Blue Dessert: Was feeling lost that week, trudging along with no direction.

Stopper: Made it through that week, but barely- felt my committment had faltered a bit and didnt deserve a full bead- plus I didn't like the way the beads would move around on the bracelet.

Rainbow: God's promises to us. The rainbow has always been an important symbol to me. One of my most powerful and confusing prophetic dreams involved rainbows. Think I finally figured it out.

Storms will come, but God will help us survive them

Multimedia message

Multimedia message

Multimedia message

Love me or leave me alone

So, Scott, without you it was... I don't think you would have liked it any how, a bit too dark and hard.

A great concert though! So close I could have kissed their cheeks had I been so bold. And I can't believe I hesitated to go because of my workout. I ended up dancing off more calories than I would have worked off at the gym. Down another 1.5 lbs.

This was my first time at Mr. Smalls, but it won't be the last. A GREAT venue-- small and intimate, interesting decor, nice bar (bonus that they takes credit/debit!!). Only complaint was the smell of frying onions. Really?!? Just doesn't go well with jumping around on a dance floor.

And I realized when I got there that it was blocks away from some of the places Ben and I had frequented. Driving home lead me down the path that I had driven a dozen times, euphoric after one of our meetings (not dates, never call them that). But don't forget the once or twice I drove it in tears. Or the time I was so distraught I went up the down ramp and nearly killed myself and whoever was coming down it. Because the great times do not make up for the pain.

I dreamt you seduced me just to walk away

Blue October

SItting waiting hoping

So, Scott... you called and everything sounds normal. Invited yourself over this weekend. My dream didn't cause discomfort-- awkwardness-- like I feared. Maybe it planted a seed... maybe it will just be forgotten. I invited you out tonight and you might come. I am going with you or without, but my choice would be with. I can deal with yes or no, but I hate waiting on an answer.

I am worried the fact that I said "I hope this isn't one of my prophetic dreams" will make you think I meant that I am not interested... but I meant the awkward/icky part. Do I explain that? Maybe. If it comes up.

Though it did turn out to be one of my prophetic dreams-- not that part (at least not yet!)-- and as always something completely mundane. After the car scene, I was hiking in the snow and a little girl was blowing bubbles right in my face. Today on my walk I turned a corner and ... BAM walked into a barrage of bubbles a little girl was blowing from her stoop.

Why do I have these dreams? Dreams that come true but seem to be of no consequence?

So I am skipping my workout tonight to see a band that I love that I didn't know was in town. I took a good, brisk 60 minute walk during lunch so I am not really behind, but I wanted to be ahead. And the band is playing in Ben's backyard. Not the kind of band he'd go see or the kind of club he would frequent, though. Will be hard not to take a side trip past his place. Well, I guess it will be easy to control that urge if Scott tags along. Call already!

Procrastinating work things. Why do I do that? Difficult tasks don't get easier the longer they sit. And once you do them, the anxiety disappears.

Wore my sandals on my walk and have blisters now. What was I thinking? I knew I should have changed to walking shoes. And I had to stop several times to dislodge pebbles.

Want a nap.

Foolishness, loneliness, temptation will not defeat me

Well, lost the 1.5lbs I gained. This is why it is better to weigh in weekly instead of daily. Almost skipped my workout last night. I allow myself one day off a week, but had already taken that. I stopped for dinner with Scott after work. Then we went for a walk through town. We were having a nice time- joking, laughing, window shopping, people watching and I said I would stop by after my work out... he said, skip it, you need a day off, you just took a walk, stop being so obssessed, etc., etc. And I almost did. I almost gave in. "Why don't you come workout with me?" I laughed. He laughed. Not happening.

But I had a great workout and soaked in the hot tub and stopped by after.

And this morning I txted you the dream I had last night... Was a daring thing to do and not sure if it was a good idea or not. yet. We were making out in your car. While you were driving. And you got a call. When you were done, you said, "OMG, I'm sorry, this is so embarassing" and I remember the words awkward and icky. Icky? Really? And I was trying to convince you it was the situation that was awkward and icky, not us. But you got another call.

What does it mean? That I want you, but am afraid it would be awkward? That I want you but I am afraid you don't feel the same? Or is it simply that sometimes you get distracted and ignore me (did it several times yesterday) and that bothers me more than I thought?

For now we both L-O-L'd it off.

And oh, Ben, Ben, Ben... I see you are up to your tricks again with a new harem. (Did you really think blocking me on facebook could keep me off your page?!? You know me better than that. I am nothing if not resourceful.). This is why it wouldn't have worked for us. Oh, that and your whole marriage thing. And that is FINE. I didn't want you like that. I mean, I guess on some level I wanted the fantasy you created. But I knew it was a fantasy. I still wanted us to be friends- I had shared more with you than anyone. In ways our relationship was the most intimate I had ever had. But the way you turned things around to hurt me, like you took joy in tormenting me. I don't understand it. Was it a game for you? From the beginning? See how much she can take? See what this pathetic woman will put up with? Or were you lashing out because I hurt you? No one has ever made me feel more successful or defeated; more loved- or unlovable.

But it isn't over yet. At least not for me.

Had such a good workout yesterday... and have been really consistent and doing well... but gained 1.5 lbs overnight. I am fairly sure this is hormonal and I should ignore it but it is making me feel whiney. It isn't fair! And today is my official weigh in day. Still down a pound from beginning of the week, but I should be down at least 2. This is when it is hard to stay motivated-- when I am doing the right things and not seeing the results I want. But I need to focus on all the positive- My clothes are looser. I have more energy (well, except for the drowsiness, but again I think that is hormone related). I feel stronger.

Last night in class, I ended up doing a group activity with two thin girls- a case study on weight loss of all things. When I heard their thoughts on what were needed as interventions, I realized why skinny people hate fat people so much- why they think we are lazy and glutunous. Suggestions of walking 20 minutes, 3 times a week. Suggestions of eating the big meal at lunch instead of dinner. LOL. If they think that is all we need to do to lose weight, no WONDER they look down on us.

I workout to the point of being out of breath and drenched with sweat 7 days a week for an hour. Plus I hike. And I lift weights. And I have to track every calorie I consume. And yet, I GAINED a pound and a half this week. I WISH it were as easy as they think.

But what is worth doing is rarely easy.

Spent the evening apart from the object of my affection for a change (He needs a name here, Scott, okay, Scott will do). Nearly every day we are together. Not many people I can say that I could do that with and not get tired of them. Is there a point where that will end with us? From the beginning I have thought and said things like... "If we're still friends this winter, we should ____" with the thought that we won't be or might not be, but always we are. I just keep waiting for it to evaporate, to implode, to crumble... like a castle in the sand- but the wave retreats and still it stands- We stand.

But nothing lasts forever, right?

So tired today. So unmotivated. Spent two hours nappin on couch. Should have been out enjoying the sunshine. At gym now. Putting in my time but wish I weren't. These feelings aren't typical for me. Also cravings today. Ate junk. Not a ton but had the feeling of a binge. Insatiable.

Wow Ben you still assault me out if the blue. How do you do it? Just ran across our initials in a restroom in Oakland that i haven't used in months. Had I remembered they were here i would have used the next stall. Who would have imagined they would have avoided erasure or erision this long?How long before I no longer flinch at your name?

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These three remain.

Last night I met my son down town for dinner... the tavern I wanted stop at was closed, so he chose Primanti's. 1,400 calories for a steak sandwich, coleslaw and fries spilling out from under alarmingly fresh slices of thick white bread. Makes the phrase "Killer Sandwich, Man!" a double entendre.

Now, knowing we were going out, I had eaten light throughout the day and I only ate half of it... Compounding the problem I got stuck at work and couldn't get to the gym and had logged only half an hour of exercise. And after dinner got lured to "a friend's" at the suggestion of a night out at the jazz club, which turned into a lazy evening on the couch while he flipped channels and slipped stale Samoas to me in the dark (I only had two!)... I fully expected to wake this morning 2 lbs heavier... but I stayed stable.

But you can't say no to dinner out with your son. And you can't turn down anything slipped to you silently in the dark by someone you are longing to kiss. And my goals require me to stay on track 6/7 days, so this was the day I wiggled.

Food is not just sustenance. It is not just globs of calories. It is more than our bodies' fuel. Food has cultural, religious, spiritual meaning to humans and I think we are foolish to try to deny that in our journeys toward better health.

For instance... Ben, I still have your last 3 slices of pie in my freezer. I can't bring myself to eat them, even though it was quite possibly the best pie I have ever baked. Certainly the best peach pie I have ever baked. I can't throw them away. Can't serve them to anyone else. Even transferred them from one rented freezer to the next when I moved. I remember watching you, the man who shuns seconds, rushing back to the kitchen for more. The fork poised before your mouth, the hunger in your eyes. For the pie? I remember packaging the leftovers after you left that day... individual slices. I had imagined that each time you came by I'd thaw one. I assumed the pie would run out before your visits did.

Did it...

The light went out. Odd thing about that... As I sat here trying to make it go off, I couldn't. When I sat up, got distracted, got busy reading and typing and forgetting myself for a moment... off the light went. Seems there should be some kind of lesson there.

So my weight loss... going well. Every day for past few I have been down about 1 pound. I know that won't keep up. Typical for me to lose a few quickly, then stay steady a week or so, but it is so motivating. I just wish I could close my eyes and be at my goal. Or at least at that place where I was before I got off track. Oh yeah, I forgot- leave the past behind. It is the process that makes me a stronger person. It is climbing the mountain, not the view from the top, that brings joy, peace.

I finally have the behavioral momentum I needed to move forward effortlessly. Well, maybe not effortlessly, but consistently.

Hail

Head down on my desk, covered by my shawl... listening to Michael Hedges... Seeing if I can stay still long enough for the motion sensitive lights to go out.

PLEASE God. Give me a sign. Give me an answer. A clear one for a change. I never know what you mean. Or am I just seeing signs where they don't exist. I just feel lost, Lord. Show me. Something.

Buzz.

HimTxt: It's hailing.
MeTxt: Lol. I was just praying for a sign from God... But does that mean yes or no lol? Why must He always be so cryptic?!?
HimTxt: Yes ?
MeTxt: Lol yes will work

If only he knew the question...

So I found the keys.

Does this mean you never broke in? No. Too much coincidence to deny that. Don't try. Of course with you there were always coincidences, weren't there?

Tempted to write to you. Not to apologize. "Don't apologize when you find the keys." Were your exact words to me. I don't feel the need or desire anyhow. I want an explanation. How did you get in if you didn't have the keys? And where did you find the quote if you didn't break in? And the eggs and the magnets and..?

But then I think... I wanted you out of my life. If the only way for that to happen is to have falsely accused you then so fucking be it. I am monumentally better off without you.

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So you aren't in any of the places I would have expected to find you. You were always better at this than I was.
And had I found you, then what? I wouldn't have dared approach you.

Disappointments...

So my romantic interest has a date. And it's my job as his friend to be happy. Congratulatory. But that's my own fault, I suppose. I could, should, just tell him how I feel. Tell him "Stop driving yourself crazy with all this dating madness-- stop wasting time with all these women-- you can have ME." But that sets me up for highly probable response- "No thanks."

I just keep imagining maybe when the time comes that I am ready- emotionally, physically, mentally- he will be single. But every time he has a date... I see that chance diminishing.

5 minutes into my 30 minute workout I was ready to quit. I was sweating already and my legs burning. 10 minutes in and the feeling usually passes. Not this time. At 15 in I figured out that the change in settings from my weight loss is probably what was making it so much more intense. At 28 minutes I finally realized I was going to make it. And I did. And lying in the hot tub after, I understoood that this is what it's all about.

Going when you want to stop.

So... now I'll make some dinner. Take a hike. Stalk my nemesis.

Mini Goal Met!!

10 lbs lost!

It feels bittersweet, since I was down to 169 last July, before my depression hit. But, hey, I rose up, dusted off the ashes and I am making progress again. I need to leave the old me behind- successes and failures of the past are the past. What I am today is all that matters.

But I guess I only partially like the me that I am today. I need to get past that. Because I can make all the changes in the world and still not like myself. Still not be happy. Still not be satisfied.

So. Today I have the reward of meeting the 10 lb goal after my hard work. Well, to be honest, it really isn't hard. There are difficult moments, but it has been fairly easy. Time consuming, though. SO, I guess I have made sacrifices and this is my reward for that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Completely consumed lately by my obsession with... hmm... what shall we call him? Ben. But I will be driving through his town tonight and will be breathing the air he breathes and will most likely make a side trip or two past his home and the places he frequents. And what good will that do me? None. In fact it will probably be detrimental. But that knowledge won't stop me.

My goals. dreams. etc.

So. I am finally on track, after several months of struggling, with my exercise and eating goals. I am overweight. Obese by the charts. Okay. I'm fat. What an ugly word. Why? Why does so much of my self worth revolve around that word? Why is it so... ahem... distasteful? I want to become unfat. I want to be healthy and strong and active. And let's inject some honesty. I want to be beautiful. BUT I don't believe that even with the weight loss I will be. But I will do what I can to at least be the best I can be.

I have other goals though. My fatness doesn't define me in totality.

I spent a year in a very dysfunctional relationship after 24 years in an unhappy marriage. Why did I let this happen?? Why can't I let go of it? How do I get past it? Why does a part of me not want to get past it?

I want to find... what is it? Love? I don't have much faith in that word anymore. But companionship. Yes, I have friends. But I want that one person to share my life with-- if not forever then at least for now. But before I can find this thing I am looking for, I have to figure out what it is I want. I actually have my eye on someone. But I feel so unattractive to myself, I can't imagine him wanting me.

I want to improve the world around me. To enrich the lives of the people I know and love (or tolerate) as well as the strangers whose paths I cross.

I want to be joyful and peaceful. I want to see God's hand in everything. I want to follow His plan for living- but not be bound by man-made, legalistic rules that go beyond this.

I want to find some freedom. Feeling a bit trapped.

I want to appreciate my blessings and stop whining about my challenges (which in the grand scheme are minor).

I want to see Radiohead live.

I said I would never...

I said I would never have a blog. Sigh.

But here I am feeling the need to say to the world things that most likely no one is really interested in... things that maybe I don't want to share with the people who know me. Or maybe that they are tired of hearing about. So I will do it here anonymously.

This is anonymous, right?